Everything Pairs with Hospitality

Guess what happened to me?!  Boy, oh boy, oh boy…it will be a challenge to make this seem food-related.  Since we only deal with delicious and pretentious edibles on this site, let me say right off the bat that the experience was more satisfying than, say, a proper three-cheese risotto.  I was drinking a Coke Zero at the airport when it happened.  There may be no decent food outside Dan-D cashews at YVR, but don’t let that stop you from picking up your friends and relatives there.  You never know what kind of social amuse-bouches await you in the terminals!

Baby Cakes

The following confession may surprise you.

After all, I am the writer of a highly pretentious food blog -and I’m clearly obsessed with dessert.  I drink homogenized chocolate milk, have ice cream for dinner, use bar chocolate prn, and I’m the self-proclaimed pioneer of the frozen cupcake.  Then again, none of those sweets are homemade.  I guess it will be up to you to determine if I am a food fraud, an ingredient imposter, a kitchen con artist, or a chocolate charlatan.  Here goes.

I have never baked a cake.

Introductory Lectures in Pretentious Gastric Illness

As some of you know from my bellyaching, I am an expert in stomach trouble. This was not always the case.  For most of my twenties I had so brawny a belly I insisted on starting every day with black coffee on an empty stomach.  Back then, in my own gastric Camelot, I had no problem with wine, red or white, and I said so cockily of whiskey “If you don’t like it straight, you don’t really like it.” I scoffed at Zantac and hadn’t even heard of Fruit Gaviscon, let alone learned how delicious this product can be in tablet form.

Five Days to the Forbidden Fruit

Well, I’m on day five of my low-carbohydrate diet and I have already lost the two pounds I was fretting about.  Frankly, I’m almost disappointed.  Given my rigorous calculations, I was sure I’d have to put in a whole two weeks- I don’t know what to do with myself now.  To maintain a sense of agency amid this perplexing turn of events, I’ve made a list.  A list of high-carb grocery items I shall hasten to obtain? Not quite; I will make such a list as soon as I can ensure my two-pound weight loss is legitimate, that I have indeed regained homeostasis.  No, the present list is of several hypotheses that could potentially explain my observation of a two-pound weight loss.  Let us examine them one by one in the hope of identifying the most robust:

A Very Merry Un-Birthday to the PFB

Today is my birthday.  Technically.  That is, it is definitely my birthday following the urban dictionary definition, which, in my opinion and yours soon, is the most accurate available.   But it doesn’t feel like my birthday, as really nothing birthday-ey is happening today.  It did feel like my birthday on Saturday at the Blue Water Café  where, emboldened by a big birthday bottle from Barossa, I celebrated my survival to-date by eating a death-defying quantity of seafood.

I shouldn't be eating either of you.

 

If there’s one foodstuff I can’t possibly support, it is deli meat. Almost all deli meat contains sodium nitrite, which is associated with an unappetizing buffet of cancers, like the gastric, esophageal, and colorectal. Cancers? Yucky! Yet the very idea of grinding multiple animal parts into a discrete food and then shaping it into a ball that can be easily gripped and slipped into a metal slicer is even yuckier, non? Being totally disgusted by deli meat is vital to my food identity, oui?

Or am I having a food identity crisis?

Magic Coffee Too Magical?

This just in from the US Food and Drug Administration: Consumers should NOT use instant coffee for sexual enhancement.

So, what, Scientific Establishment- after years of fruitless research attempting to ruin coffee for all of us, you’ve resorted to whining that it doesn't heighten sexual performance?  We didn’t think it did. We just thought it was delicious and mildly psychoactive!