Magic Coffee Too Magical?

This just in from the US Food and Drug Administration: Consumers should NOT use instant coffee for sexual enhancement.

So, what, Scientific Establishment- after years of fruitless research attempting to ruin coffee for all of us, you’ve resorted to whining that it doesn't heighten sexual performance?  We didn’t think it did. We just thought it was delicious and mildly psychoactive!


I'm kidding. The FDA's taunts are limited to Magic Power Coffee, an instant coffee being sold online as a dietary supplement.  As it turns out, Magic Power Coffee contains a chemical similar to Viagra, which has got the FDA all hot and bothered.  (Since this is a food blog, and a pretentious, well-reputed one at that, I won’t get into the effects of Viagra; let’s just say it serves a similar purpose as, say, adding cornstarch, or beating egg whites.) The active ingredient in Viagra, and now, for your steamy morning convenience, Magic Power Coffee, may interact with nitrates and cause dangerously low blood pressure along with your dangerously high bedroom prowess. 

Have I mentioned that nitrates are heart medications most frequently taken by old people, i.e. the very population that consumes the most Viagra?  That’s right. Yet Viagra is approved for sexual enhancement.  Just not Magic Power Coffee. 

To clarify, Magic Power Coffee should not be used for sexual enhancement because it contains a drug similar to an FDA-approved drug for sexual enhancement.  Basically, Magic Power Coffee is TOO magical.  For once, a dietary supplement with an effective active ingredient!

Of course, I'm celebrating the irony, not disputing the FDA’s actions.  Viagra is a relatively tightly controlled product compared to instant coffee- at least, the doctor prescribing it to you, and the pharmacist dispensing it, is supposed to make sure you are not taking nitrates.  In the end, the FDA really just wants to make sure you can’t get coffee-flavored Viagra without a prescription. 

But coffee-flavored Viagra sounds like a cash cow, doesn’t it? (Oh- sorry, Magic Power Coffee. I guess that was the idea.) Perhaps in the future, spunky old people everywhere can enjoy a nice cup of prescription MPC under medical supervision, at least on the days they can forego the nitroglycerin.  Until then, I guess they will have to somehow chase their brazen blue pills with a little Starbucks VIA Ready Brew.  Any the chance the barista's in pharmacy school?